| i think im gonna try and start writing in this again |
[04 Nov 2007|10:44pm] |
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mood |
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i cant believe this is my last yearrrr and i want to make the most of it!!! so quick update since im tired... i got my lisence finallyyyy and its amazing so much more freedom its always been hard for me to have that much of a social life outside of school i mean im not a hermit or ne thing obv. and ive always been thankful for all my friends but its so much to ask for my parents to get me from dance drive me to a party or a friends house and then take me home esp. when they both have jobs and 6 kids but now im totally independent which is very scary but rly great. i deff gotta work on the whole directions thing tho... today i got so lost just driving home from ellens... where ive been like hundreds of times ellens mom and her had to come find me and i had to follow them to my house lol thank god for them i wouldve never gotten home. ballet is finally starting to get back on track for me after like 5 months of sucking. im starting to feel like im back on track in terms of getting a contract this year and knock on wood, ill be able to stay on it. so ne way hopefully ill be able to keep up with this thing cuz my life is changing with every passing day!!! its gonna be a crazy yearrrr thattt i can guarantee
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| 1sr entry of my last yr as a kid |
[14 Sep 2007|08:55pm] |
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mood |
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 depressed |
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music |
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the rocket summer |
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scary huh? i was always the youngest... always the baby, it was one of my greatest attributes, i could do things and handle things at 10 that... well 17 yr olds couldnt pull off
ne way a lot to fill in i guess
the rest of my summer was ok... until the end of it
got rly depressed, still kind of am
experienced a little bit of what id given up for this whole ballet thing, and at times i honestly started thinking, why not jsut quit now? what the point of trying so hard? i could spend this yr partying with my friends apply to a few colleges and lead a normal teenage life, and pursue a 'normal' career. but, i'm starting to accept and i think others are starting to realize... that is just not me ill never be happy with that. if theres one thing that makes me special its the passion that i have for my dream and my willingness to do ne thing for it.
sr yr in terms of school has been great i get to go home at 9:45 or 10:30 everyday i love every1 in all of my classes i get to see a lot of my friends and talked to a bunch of ppl i didnt in the past few yrs i think being a sr gives every1 more confidence to talk to every1, well at least the other srs lol but im also sad cuz i dont get to see a lot of other friends :-(
in terms of ballet... idk yet ive been so depressed lately i rly need everything to work out in the near future to pull myself out of this, its gonna be a stressful hard year for me and i need to stay focussed.
ne way hopefully ill be better about keeping this updated, i have a feeling this is gonna be another lifechanging year... hopefully for the better
<333
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| when a dream dies |
[08 Aug 2007|09:51pm] |
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mood |
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depressed |
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ive wanted it for so long i guess i never even thought of what id do if i was unable to do it. if im just too big as my mother put it. mayb i rly am stupid and blind if i was so good i wouldve been discovered by now. i shouldve given up a long time ago. now im so attached
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| its overr |
[27 Jul 2007|09:38am] |
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mood |
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 indescribable |
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music |
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michael buble |
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so today is the last day of abt... aka the performance... the 1 im not in... and the only thing i had to do was an hour class, and the subway broke down, and i missed it. so now im back at the appartment supposed to be packing. mayb i was supposed to miss the last day, mayb it symbolizes unfinished buisiness, its not rly over, just an incomplete dream that i'm going to finish. I just can't believe my last summer as being a kid is almost over. If i were to go to college after next year i think itd be a little different, most of my friends... most of the population actually- rly do get to enjoy youth a little longer than people who go right on to careers. its so scary, its scary being afraid of what uve always wanted- and being this close to it. its scary to think it might not happen and that this year will determine if it will or not. its terrifying that in 6 months ill be going on those auditions... those 2 hours in time that ive been training for my entire life. overwhelming that as hard as ive worked since i was in 1st grade and my mom finally let me take ballet, (and always being known as the hardest worker) that now im going to have to work 10X harder im burning up just thinking about it. But everytime i get overly worried, i cant help but remember, this time next year i could be living my dream. the only thing ive wanted my entire comprehensive life. what i gave up everything for, the thing that can make me happy no matter what. its not years away ne more, its now this is the year to prove myself to make it happen. ive never been this nervous before, or this ready.
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| sooo yea |
[01 Jul 2007|11:43am] |
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im at abt. i pretty much hate it. i miss every1 terribly. i might be going to besfi after valentinas exclusive because yea im crazy. i hate jko kids. im leaving for orlando today! (world ballet competition) im rly nervous and i look horrible and ill prob b cut right away. ah.
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| time grabs you by the wrist directs you where to go |
[11 Jun 2007|10:01pm] |
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mood |
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 determined |
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so this year has been such a turning point for me. the beginning of the year i realized what its like to really work intensely, and thanks to a certain someone i got the encouragement and push that i needed. nutcracker was another turning point, i was reminded of the joy of performing, got to dance with a great partner, and had the time of my life. then i went to valentinas which is prob the best decision ive made in a long time. left some of my best friends that i hope will still me best friends forever, cuz if ive learned 1 thing 4 sureee its that truly great friends rly do only come around once in a life time. made some new amazing friends, realized i can actually accomplish my goal in life, and next year too, got into my first international comp that u have to send in a video for, am going to abt ny in a few days, worked with a famous choreographer, learned to value a hard days work and how to be independent and that sometimes u just cannot make every1 happy- actually still working on that 1 and wow so many other things and now im moving on to another even more intense even more changing year, im leaving even more ppl, focussing even more on finally accomplishing what i ahve been waiting for for the pas 11 years of my life. wow.. and now, more than ever im sure i can do it.
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[04 Jun 2007|09:02pm] |
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haha...ha
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| i know we're cool |
[01 Jun 2007|10:36pm] |
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mood |
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 confused |
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1st im too fat now i get the u lost too much weight too fast... i throw anorexic ppl out of my school speech and at the end she adds in that 4 less pounds and ill be perfect WHAT DOES SHE WANT FROM ME!? What do i want from me? what am i doing??????????????
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| be careful what u wish for... cuz u just might get it all |
[29 May 2007|10:07pm] |
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mood |
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optimistic |
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ah it was good to be back i did a good adagio today for like the first time ever... i shocked myself and i just felt so happy. i cant even explain. i started the contemp piece that april did in jackson with margo today and i could actually do it and its so many like extensions and yea things i never thought i could pull off and margo didnt have to change ne thing it felt so good. tomorrow i have margo again at 11 we're gonna work on the piece shes doing on me so im excited to get further in that i love it SO much then i have valentina at 3 yeyey she saw me today and said i looked very 'slim' :-) still have a lot of work to do tho and she was pretty happy with me last lesson so im excited for that even tho i canstill barely do grand pas its getting there and maybe my good adagio was a pre-good grand pas lol and even tho black swan kills me i just love it and feel so much more confident now because she was rly happy on friday and i was just made to do esmer so im pretty confident about that then class w/ natasha which is just fun lol shes a kook then jazz/ i cant do that dance for my life so its gonna be a super long day but im ready im ready for tomorrow and to be the dancer im slowly becoming, im still kinda afraid im changing as a person but hey w/e it takes right
-4
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[28 May 2007|10:56pm] |
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mood |
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 tired |
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fun day love seeing every1 and dancing and yea it was a nice ending to my little 3 day break from ballet but now its bak to hardcore work :-( i just wish it wouldve been a little longer the next time i get a break isssss... after valentinas intensive which is after abt and the orlando competition. i dont even think i get sundays any more. ugh im so stressed i got to forget about it for a little even tho it never rly leaves my head, but now its comin back at me at full force. i gotta be ready, time flies man time FLIES.
-2 lbs from sunday :-)
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| you have to want it... more than anything else in the world. |
[27 May 2007|09:16pm] |
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mood |
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confused |
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but is there a point where uve gone too far? she used to be the prettiest person i knew and now im scared for her. why??? i dont understand. i dont understand ne thing ne more i dont understand wats wrong with me why i make every1 mad and why every1 else makes me mad... y i cant stop counting ...and why spending the day with 1 of my very best friends felt like spending the day w/ sum1 i hardly knew and how upset it made me and scared but almost envious why i couldnt make myself eat even when i knew i had to to make her feel better. why i pretended to eat the ice cream and really threw it out and y im sitting here hysterical over pretzels and peanuts and i cant stop looking in the mirror or making myself sick. or why i feel like every1s out to get me ... she made me eat that cuz she knew itd make me fat... shes yelling at me because she wants me to be miserable... she put that step in my piece because she knows i cant do it. i always thought id do ne thing for this and i think im beginning to prove it but how far am i supposed to go? how far do i have to go? i cant end up like that she is a different person mayb i am too mayb we all are. mayb we're just growing up. i just cant stop thinking about it and its driving me crazy. who am i really? how do u define sum1 or judge them as a person or as a dancer. oh ice princess teach me something other than u gotta want it so badly it hurts... i knew that already, i do... and it does.
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| so apparently im supposed to stop eating now |
[24 May 2007|10:17pm] |
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mood |
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sad |
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just when i though i couldnt do ne more... im pushed even more i think secretly its a compliment bcuz valentinas usually so against dieting in fact 2 every1 else she says dont diet so idk mayb its because she thinks i can do it if i just get this 1 thing in check... or maybe im just the fattest worst dancer ever to disgrace her school... either way its just not enough i almost had a breakdown today after i worked on my contemp piece w/ margo... which i love... i just needed to talk so badly but every1 was at school and valentina/margo woulda heard me so i held it in like i hold everything else in but im sick of it im not eating for the next month... 70 cals in the morning and 100 or less later and lots and lots of coffee and diet iced tea (those are my secret weapons im telling u theyre like magic) ive come this far and im not gonna let my fatness or food get in my way no half waying it this time. im thru.
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| 'people dont change, they just become more of who they were always supposed to be' |
[23 May 2007|10:56pm] |
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mood |
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confused |
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if thats true, im not the person i always thought i would be i never thought id do this or have to do this. or come as far as i have, but still be so far away from my dream and have to make sacrifices that no1 understands and lose friends and gain acquaintances that i dont think could ever really be considered friends because behind my back, i know theyre all talking. but it makes me think, does every1 do this? did ppl i trusted with my innermost thoughts go right back and gossip? mayb im not changing, and mayb other ppl arent changing... but im just seeing everything differently. i dont know, i cant admit everything that im dieing to get off my chest... not to ne1 so its just eating away at me if this is the person i was always meant to be... im a mental case. but this commercial for hairspray w/ john travolta dressed up like a fat woman is making me happy god i have problems lol
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| am i even the same person? |
[16 May 2007|08:08pm] |
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mood |
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depressed |
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the 1 thing i never thought id do, i was driven to. im so freaking depressed i have no desire to even wake up tomorrow and go learn my contemporary pieces for a competition i will fail at and take class where ill be the worst, fattest, ugliest dancer there and go to rehearsal and be judged and looked at and ugh i dont even want to look at myself i cant bring myself to i hate this. i dont no what to do ne more i dont feel like the same person and im not sure i like it and i have no one to talk about it with i dont want to upset ppl or have ppl judge me i feel like im putting on an act and plastering a smile on my face pretending to be happy and occassionally breaking down, but inside im fading away maybe turning in to some one else. i dont know
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| Happy Mother's Day |
[13 May 2007|06:38pm] |
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mood |
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 numb |
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im watching girl, interrupted its... interesting
thats about it well not rly but i dont feel like talking about it thats the great thing about shutting everybody out... u dont have to talk about wut u dont want to intead u just keep it to urself, write it down occassionally, and u dont have to bother ne1 with it u dont have to worry about wut other ppl think about u or if theyll care or believe u or gossip about u instead u just do what u need pray it all works out and wait for those moments where ur truly happy with urself, for me its when im dancing i hope every1 else finds that thing that makes all the bad stuff worth it, cuz i know i wouldnt be able to survive without it, even if it is the cause of most of my problems, when im in the studio enjoying what i love, its also the solution.
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| hjbasdhjbagh i need to go to a dr |
[10 May 2007|10:21pm] |
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mood |
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depressed |
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i feel like everything is closing in on me and suffocating me and i cant control my emotions and im constantly crying ive totally lost interest in everything and i dont even get excited to dance ne more im so depressed i cant concentrate on 1 thing ever and see the good in it i refuse to look at myself in the mirror and even moved 'my spot' at the barre so i cant rly see myself too well i can never do ne thing right im exhuasted all the time i have nothing to look forward to and everything i used to look forward to im now dreading and i pretty much hate myself my train got delayed tonight and actually wouldnt go farrther than farmingdale and i was soooo tempted to not call my parents and just run away i know every1 talks and jokes about just running away from it all but honestly i rly think i wouldve done it if i had my atm card me or more than $10 i just dont see the point in ne thing and i cant even continue i cant even rly see because im hysterical again
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| how bad are peanuts? |
[08 May 2007|10:12pm] |
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mood |
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guilty |
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i just had like a bunch of peanuts(i mean a BUNCH) and a piece of chocolate...not a big piece but still, not good and i hate my legs and arms and stomach and ajgbhabghab i do so good all day all i had was a half a nutrigrain bar and string cheese and diet snapple and water which is only 150 calories and then i just get home from a long frustrating day at dance and just go crazy and i didnt even have coffee today so i cant even say the caffeine will help im just gonna go watch friends, ruin my 'sims' lives (i swear tha game can save ur life lol its amazing, and addictive) and maybe study for my ap us history test thats friday cuz im gonna fail and i could rly use the credits and some parental support which im hoping will kick in if i can prove im not an idiot. the end yey phoebes singing the hamburger song!!!!
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| dont cry, there simply is no need |
[07 May 2007|08:40pm] |
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mood |
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 rejuvenated |
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it has been a hard flippin day lemme tell ya. valentina decided she was gonna kill me in my lesson at barre she mustve done like 5 adagios but i know itll be worth it then we did grand pas classique for like ever and a half. i was DEAD and then class was like helllllllllll even she was like ready for more torture? after barre it was just, crazy. torture is an appropriate word. but someday soon ill see the results of my majorly hard work, knock on wood. on friday i have a double lesson, hour and a half of madness i just hope i live to tell the tale. i had a really good conversation with her on friday too it gave me a lot of hope and determination and confidence and also brought me back to earth and made me realize that yea ive improved like crazy but i have TONS of work ahead of me... bring it onnnnnn. well thats about it, orlandos in less than 2 months, scary i think its gonna be 1 of those like life changing things like miami or i hope. and abt is in like a month scarier ajsnfhjbvhjb i dont even know what to think ok well ill write more later im pretty tired
on a side note... im starting to get kinda scared about something, ive been ignoring it for a while but idk something doesnt feel right. i should prob go to the dr but i hate drs and i dont rly want too i think theyre gonna tell me what i already no
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